A Rocky Start

Re-reading my last post, I'm realizing that oftentimes the goals that seem simplest to reach are actually the most challenging.

Be present, rest, and be grateful. Sounds good, right? Certainly an attainable goal for 2009! Why, it's nearing February and I should practically have it crossed off the list by now, right?

Wrong.

Be present.
Being mindfully aware - or, paying attention to your thought patterns and pausing within the moment for reflection and assessment - is so much more difficult than it sounds. Every day of our life we continue to reinforce and deepen the habits of thought and emotional reactions that define our personality. Our responses to stress, fear, anger, frustration; whether we see the glass as empty or half-full; whether we flip-off the driver that cut us off or choose to send them thoughts of goodwill and less aggression; our association of comfort in a glass of wine, a heaping helping of chocolate cake, or a frivolous purchase for [insert random item here] that we don't actually need.

Being 'present' essentially addresses the core of who we are as a human being with patterns, habits, and reactionary tendencies. By being present, one hopes to pause - both literally and figuratively - to draw the mind away from it's usual pathways and redirect it into healthier ones, or pathways that aim in the direction of change we hope to attain. In other words, if my hope is to eat well, and eating well means no more late-night binging on Ben & Jerry's or chocolate bars, then practicing presence would require a few moments of self-assessment and change in habit: 1) deciding not to purchase said items at the grocery store, and 2) pausing to control the cravings and replace them with healthier options. But even in a simple example like this one, there are a myriad of scenarios that complicate the situation. For example, I may want to keep a chocolate bar in the cupboard but learn to nibble at it over the course of a few weeks. Or, what if I'm at my in-laws, and they've just returned from a trip to Italy (a common situation) and there are truffles and dark chocolate, and milk chocolates, and... well, you get the idea.

Regardless of whether I'm talking about eating well or trying to change negative thought patterns or curbing unhealthy responses to stress, the point is that while being present is key, it is much more difficult than it sounds.

Rest.
Ah, rest. Another seemingly simple objective: recognize when your body needs a break, and take it. Why is this such a challenge for me? Perhaps it's genetic: my grandmother is fighting cancer right now, and I have no doubt that much of her ailments stem from years and years of pushing herself, ignoring pain, and rarely taking a moment to relax. My Mom? Same story. She works, works, works... takes care of everyone else, keeps the house tidy, bakes and cooks and almost never, ever stops to breathe, rejuvenate, and collect herself.

You would think that seeing the patterns in my Mother and Grandma would make it easier to change in myself. But for the women in my family, when there's work to be done, all else goes on hold. This past month, I had two major presentations for work, each one requiring hard work and long hours. But for me, I bring the work home, taxing my mind with worry and stress about doing the best job possible. After the first presentation, I crashed with a nasty cold. And after the second, which was yesterday, I find myself weak and exhausted. I know that I should rest today... but sadly, it seems that I need to be forced to before I actually make the effort.

Be grateful.
We're all wrapped up in our little worlds... our little "bubbles," as I like to refer to them. Sometimes it really is hard to see the forest from the trees. Just the fact that I'm sitting in a warm apartment, using a laptop, and enjoying a hot cup of coffee is reason enough to be thankful, especially when you change perspective and realize how many people in this world don't have the simple things we take for granted every single day.

But it is so much easier to say "I'll be grateful" than it is to actually feel appreciation throughout the day - especially in trying times. When work has you stressed out, it's rare that your first thought is "Well, I'm grateful to have this job and this opportunity. Stress means that I care, and I'm grateful that I care so much." Or, for example, this month - when my car heater had decided to break down during the coldest weeks of the year - it was a challenge to remember how lucky I am to even have my own car, one that works and gets me to and from work each day, when I'm freezing my toosh off and stuck in morning traffic.

Gratitude, like presence, and rest, are right there, on the tip of my thoughts every day, yet sometimes so out of reach — so difficult to grasp and bring into my life. Instead, at the end of the first month in 2009, I find myself more off-balance than usual - frustrated with my inability to relax, my seemingly uncontrollable physical reactions to stress, and the irritable (and ungrateful) attitude that this cycle creates.

I guess the lesson for now begins with recognizing the challenges that lay ahead and remembering to just take it one step at a time. Rerouting your brain and changing the way you think and respond to life's stresses cannot happen overnight. Instead, I suppose we all need to realize when the goals we set for ourselves will require a lifetime of attention, and that if we hold in our minds the idea of whom we want to become, stepping forth each day with that person on the horizon, one day—perhaps years or decades from now—we'll realize that person is who we are.