It's happening again. No matter how well I may be able to predict my own behavior, knowing it is going to happen doesn't make it any easier to avoid.
March is approaching and the snow is ever falling. It's been constant these past few days, and the sun is hidden behind bleak skies of gray. Last week, I must admit, the sun was shining unusually often, but being horribly ill with the flu, I missed every day of it, stuck inside like a leper. Not that I would have gone out and "played" or anything, but it would have done me some good to catch some rays of vitamin D just meandering to and from my car and work.
I'm feeling all of the symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Fatigue. Lethargy. Laziness. And just an all-around shitty mood. Lately, I don't want to get out of bed in the morning and need several cups of coffee to keep me going. I feel bored and tired most of the day, and things I usually enjoy doing - like cooking dinner or yoga - become annoying tasks preventing me from doing the only thing I currently enjoy: sitting on my butt, eating chocolate and drinking wine. Real healthy, huh?
I hate to clog my blog with whining, but the reality is that my slacking off in blog-writing is directly related to my affliction: I just don't feel like there's anything worth writing about.
I daydream daily about escape... living somewhere far away where winter is brief and sunshine reigns.
The outdoors has never been an obsession for me. I'm not really into sports, I hate bugs, and I tend to avoid activities that involve getting dirty or super sweaty. But I'm not one for total immersion of anything... my life requires continual balance. For me, it's all about atmosphere. I'm a visual person, and my entire mood can be set by a beautiful sunset, a brisk walk down a sun-dappled path, or a scenic drive. Even sunshine streaming in windows gives my whole being a glow. In the summertime, I still work on websites and watch movies and practice yoga... all indoor activities. But it's completely different when the windows are open, the sun shines in til 9pm, and you can walk around the house barefoot and half-naked without freezing your ass off!
It's frustrating that I've been enduring this yearly meltdown my entire life, and even more frustrating that change feels impossible. We are stuck. Just as stuck as I am in the house right now, the snow still piling high out the window, we are financially strapped, and moving anywhere is out of the question. Our student loans are packed around us, suffocating every sliver of freedom, just like the cold white stuff outside.
For now, venting about it here is lifting my spirits ever-so-slightly. And tonight, I'll self-medicate by finishing the bottle of shiraz on the counter and gnawing on some more of my Valentine's chocolate. While venting about it is fine and dandy, doing something about it is even better. And I'm a girl of action. I vow to myself that someday I'll actually go an entire year without pissing and moaning about how miserable the weather is... because I'll be somewhere where I won't have anything to piss and moan about, and this - this venting, this feeling I have in my gut right now - will live only in memories.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
Cheers to Your Health
The last time I wrote I was in complete denial. I knew that my body was fighting something, but to what extent I was strangely oblivious... I spent that Saturday night staying up late and drinking a couple beers, only to spend a long eight hours tossing and turning with cold sweats, waking up to a full-blown flu.
So often in our Western society we take things for granted: food, shelter, freedom. And, as the saying goes, we never really truly grasp what it is we have until its gone. It's not easy to keep things in perspective - to realize as your eating breakfast that somewhere in this world your peanut butter toast is a delicacy, or to remember as your huffing and puffing about your distant parking spot that you should be so lucky to even have a car. Such, of course, is the case when you get sick. It is the ultimate reminder - the ultimate kick in the ass - that HEY! you've got a body that's mostly healthy! Keep it that way!
Laying flat on your back for five days with head-to-toe body aches and a fever sure renews your appreciation for the body's normal state. And it also reminds you - in an almost terrifying way - just how inextricably linked you and your body are. Without it, quite literally you are nothing.
Thinking about all this, and having been downright giddy the past few days thanks to my rejuvenated health, has stirred up thoughts about food and exercise and how horribly unhealthy so many of the habits in our culture really are....
In a culture where virtually every social activity and holiday is connected with food, we certainly have a lot of garbage in our grocery stores. Aisle after aisle of over-processed crap, void of any nutritional value.
My diet changed dramatically in early 2006 when I worked as a prep cook at Perelandra Natural Foods in Brooklyn Heights. Responsible for baking the daily vegan muffins and chopping the veggies for the homemade soups and salads, I was introduced to qunioa, soba noodles, agave nectar, seitan, and the unbelievable capabilities of tofu, which produced everything from delicious stir-frys to vegan cheesecakes.
My dear friend and the head chef there once said something to me that has been burned into my brain: "I don't eat really well because I'm scared of dying someday. I eat really well because I don't want to spend the last 20 or 30 years of my life suffering from poor health."
I think of those words whenever I catch myself overdoing it... and after spending a week horizontal, they ring truer than ever.
Personally, I have grown addicted to how good food makes me feel. Eating fresh fruits and vegetables and dishes made with whole, hearty grains and pure, additive-free ingredients makes my body run like a well-oiled machine, which - in turn - positively effects every other aspect of my life. And after spending much of my life with an unhealthy, out-of-whack relationship with sugar (read: serious binge-eating) I have finally struck a balance with my sweet tooth.
After gaining confidence in myself and reading the book French Women Don't Get Fat (a fascinating read!) I've decided that not only can I have sweets, but I can have some every day as long as 1. I have just a little taste and 2. it is real, pure, and high-quality. And I'll tell you what, it works so well and I have been so spoiled with my household stock of delicious, organic dark chocolate, that I barely flinch when someone offers me a Snickers or an M&Ms... why waste the calories?
Anyway, every body - no matter how healthily tuned - gets sick. But how often and to what degree can be drastically altered by what we put in out tummies. I'm ecstatic to be well again... and have promised myself that I'll continue to eat as well as I know how. I certainly don't want to spend my last years on this planet feeling the way I did last week!
So often in our Western society we take things for granted: food, shelter, freedom. And, as the saying goes, we never really truly grasp what it is we have until its gone. It's not easy to keep things in perspective - to realize as your eating breakfast that somewhere in this world your peanut butter toast is a delicacy, or to remember as your huffing and puffing about your distant parking spot that you should be so lucky to even have a car. Such, of course, is the case when you get sick. It is the ultimate reminder - the ultimate kick in the ass - that HEY! you've got a body that's mostly healthy! Keep it that way!
Laying flat on your back for five days with head-to-toe body aches and a fever sure renews your appreciation for the body's normal state. And it also reminds you - in an almost terrifying way - just how inextricably linked you and your body are. Without it, quite literally you are nothing.
Thinking about all this, and having been downright giddy the past few days thanks to my rejuvenated health, has stirred up thoughts about food and exercise and how horribly unhealthy so many of the habits in our culture really are....
In a culture where virtually every social activity and holiday is connected with food, we certainly have a lot of garbage in our grocery stores. Aisle after aisle of over-processed crap, void of any nutritional value.
My diet changed dramatically in early 2006 when I worked as a prep cook at Perelandra Natural Foods in Brooklyn Heights. Responsible for baking the daily vegan muffins and chopping the veggies for the homemade soups and salads, I was introduced to qunioa, soba noodles, agave nectar, seitan, and the unbelievable capabilities of tofu, which produced everything from delicious stir-frys to vegan cheesecakes.
My dear friend and the head chef there once said something to me that has been burned into my brain: "I don't eat really well because I'm scared of dying someday. I eat really well because I don't want to spend the last 20 or 30 years of my life suffering from poor health."
I think of those words whenever I catch myself overdoing it... and after spending a week horizontal, they ring truer than ever.
Personally, I have grown addicted to how good food makes me feel. Eating fresh fruits and vegetables and dishes made with whole, hearty grains and pure, additive-free ingredients makes my body run like a well-oiled machine, which - in turn - positively effects every other aspect of my life. And after spending much of my life with an unhealthy, out-of-whack relationship with sugar (read: serious binge-eating) I have finally struck a balance with my sweet tooth.
After gaining confidence in myself and reading the book French Women Don't Get Fat (a fascinating read!) I've decided that not only can I have sweets, but I can have some every day as long as 1. I have just a little taste and 2. it is real, pure, and high-quality. And I'll tell you what, it works so well and I have been so spoiled with my household stock of delicious, organic dark chocolate, that I barely flinch when someone offers me a Snickers or an M&Ms... why waste the calories?
Anyway, every body - no matter how healthily tuned - gets sick. But how often and to what degree can be drastically altered by what we put in out tummies. I'm ecstatic to be well again... and have promised myself that I'll continue to eat as well as I know how. I certainly don't want to spend my last years on this planet feeling the way I did last week!
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Rest Essential
It's been three weeks since I've written, but what's incredible about that is that during those three weeks not one day went by that I didn't sit in front of the computer for most of it.
Having multiple Web sites of my own that I maintain, and working as a Web and graphic designer, I literally am on the computer from 9am until 5pm, 5 days a week. Luckily for me, design was first a hobby and second a day-job, so typically - after going home from work, taking care of menial tasks like laundry, dishes, or eating dinner - I park myself back in front of my own computer and go back to work.
What am I working on? Right now my list of Web projects is so long that I had to break my to-do list into realistic chunks, organized by site, so that it's not so overwhelming. But first and foremost, I've been working steadily on the redesign of my friend Trina's site, trinabags.com (she makes beautiful, functional, homemade and custom-designed hand bags). After that, a pet project of mine (literally) called Toonces TV, which will essentially be a video blog for my soon-to-be-famous feline, Toonces. And after that? Redesigning and streamlining my husband's multiple Web sites, which include his personal portfolio site, Nameinuse.com, and the Web sites for his recent and upcoming films. I'm also hoping to spend time optimizing and expanding CollegeAftermath.com, a project I started over a year ago. And somewhere, at the bottom of my to-do list is "redesign RaeanneWright.com"... my personal site which has been vacant for nearly a year now, which I intend to combine with this blog and beautify in some incredibly creative way.
And on top of all that, I'm teaching myself more and currently going through the painful transition to standards-compliant CSS design from out-dated, traditional table-based layouts (I apologize if that is the equivalent of Greek to my readers). In English: I'm relearning how to make Web sites the right way, since I was self-taught and learned 100% of what I know from other people who weren't necessarily doing it right to begin with.
The cumulation of all this learning and all this Web work and all this sitting in front of the computer? A severe need to flex my muscles - literally - during my time away from the screen. I've been going to yoga twice a week now, and practicing more intensely at home, too. So ironically, despite the hours and hours I spend on my ass, I'm feeling stronger than ever and am reaching new levels in my practice that I never really imagined.
All of this is good, yes indeed. It's all in line with my New Year's resolutions and goals for 2008, which were, in short, to improve my body and mind. Check. And check.
This past week, though, I think I've pushed a little too hard. Work has been extra-stressful, and I've worked a couple late nights, thus taking it out harder on myself once I make it to the yoga mat. This morning, I made a ridiculously organized to-do list for the weekend, carving out my Web goals and deciding what was doable in two days. Shortly after? I felt the distant twinge of a sore throat swelling and the mild throb of a headache... I was getting sick! My body has had enough, and is failing. I take pride in my rock-solid immune system... but flus and colds have been going around and picking off pretty much everyone I know, and I wondered if it was only a matter of time.
So rather than spend the afternoon parked in front of the computer editing code, I spent the afternoon parked on the couch sleeping with the cat and drinking hot tea. I'm feeling better, as you might have guessed by my return to the computer, but I've decided I'm taking today off. After a few emails and a blog post (all on my to-do list, of course), I'm clocking out for the week. I need some rest, and my body is demanding it.
I'll be as far away as I can be from my well-worn computer chair until.... well, probably tomorrow.
Having multiple Web sites of my own that I maintain, and working as a Web and graphic designer, I literally am on the computer from 9am until 5pm, 5 days a week. Luckily for me, design was first a hobby and second a day-job, so typically - after going home from work, taking care of menial tasks like laundry, dishes, or eating dinner - I park myself back in front of my own computer and go back to work.
What am I working on? Right now my list of Web projects is so long that I had to break my to-do list into realistic chunks, organized by site, so that it's not so overwhelming. But first and foremost, I've been working steadily on the redesign of my friend Trina's site, trinabags.com (she makes beautiful, functional, homemade and custom-designed hand bags). After that, a pet project of mine (literally) called Toonces TV, which will essentially be a video blog for my soon-to-be-famous feline, Toonces. And after that? Redesigning and streamlining my husband's multiple Web sites, which include his personal portfolio site, Nameinuse.com, and the Web sites for his recent and upcoming films. I'm also hoping to spend time optimizing and expanding CollegeAftermath.com, a project I started over a year ago. And somewhere, at the bottom of my to-do list is "redesign RaeanneWright.com"... my personal site which has been vacant for nearly a year now, which I intend to combine with this blog and beautify in some incredibly creative way.
And on top of all that, I'm teaching myself more and currently going through the painful transition to standards-compliant CSS design from out-dated, traditional table-based layouts (I apologize if that is the equivalent of Greek to my readers). In English: I'm relearning how to make Web sites the right way, since I was self-taught and learned 100% of what I know from other people who weren't necessarily doing it right to begin with.
The cumulation of all this learning and all this Web work and all this sitting in front of the computer? A severe need to flex my muscles - literally - during my time away from the screen. I've been going to yoga twice a week now, and practicing more intensely at home, too. So ironically, despite the hours and hours I spend on my ass, I'm feeling stronger than ever and am reaching new levels in my practice that I never really imagined.
All of this is good, yes indeed. It's all in line with my New Year's resolutions and goals for 2008, which were, in short, to improve my body and mind. Check. And check.
This past week, though, I think I've pushed a little too hard. Work has been extra-stressful, and I've worked a couple late nights, thus taking it out harder on myself once I make it to the yoga mat. This morning, I made a ridiculously organized to-do list for the weekend, carving out my Web goals and deciding what was doable in two days. Shortly after? I felt the distant twinge of a sore throat swelling and the mild throb of a headache... I was getting sick! My body has had enough, and is failing. I take pride in my rock-solid immune system... but flus and colds have been going around and picking off pretty much everyone I know, and I wondered if it was only a matter of time.
So rather than spend the afternoon parked in front of the computer editing code, I spent the afternoon parked on the couch sleeping with the cat and drinking hot tea. I'm feeling better, as you might have guessed by my return to the computer, but I've decided I'm taking today off. After a few emails and a blog post (all on my to-do list, of course), I'm clocking out for the week. I need some rest, and my body is demanding it.
I'll be as far away as I can be from my well-worn computer chair until.... well, probably tomorrow.
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