A Rocky Start

Re-reading my last post, I'm realizing that oftentimes the goals that seem simplest to reach are actually the most challenging.

Be present, rest, and be grateful. Sounds good, right? Certainly an attainable goal for 2009! Why, it's nearing February and I should practically have it crossed off the list by now, right?

Wrong.

Be present.
Being mindfully aware - or, paying attention to your thought patterns and pausing within the moment for reflection and assessment - is so much more difficult than it sounds. Every day of our life we continue to reinforce and deepen the habits of thought and emotional reactions that define our personality. Our responses to stress, fear, anger, frustration; whether we see the glass as empty or half-full; whether we flip-off the driver that cut us off or choose to send them thoughts of goodwill and less aggression; our association of comfort in a glass of wine, a heaping helping of chocolate cake, or a frivolous purchase for [insert random item here] that we don't actually need.

Being 'present' essentially addresses the core of who we are as a human being with patterns, habits, and reactionary tendencies. By being present, one hopes to pause - both literally and figuratively - to draw the mind away from it's usual pathways and redirect it into healthier ones, or pathways that aim in the direction of change we hope to attain. In other words, if my hope is to eat well, and eating well means no more late-night binging on Ben & Jerry's or chocolate bars, then practicing presence would require a few moments of self-assessment and change in habit: 1) deciding not to purchase said items at the grocery store, and 2) pausing to control the cravings and replace them with healthier options. But even in a simple example like this one, there are a myriad of scenarios that complicate the situation. For example, I may want to keep a chocolate bar in the cupboard but learn to nibble at it over the course of a few weeks. Or, what if I'm at my in-laws, and they've just returned from a trip to Italy (a common situation) and there are truffles and dark chocolate, and milk chocolates, and... well, you get the idea.

Regardless of whether I'm talking about eating well or trying to change negative thought patterns or curbing unhealthy responses to stress, the point is that while being present is key, it is much more difficult than it sounds.

Rest.
Ah, rest. Another seemingly simple objective: recognize when your body needs a break, and take it. Why is this such a challenge for me? Perhaps it's genetic: my grandmother is fighting cancer right now, and I have no doubt that much of her ailments stem from years and years of pushing herself, ignoring pain, and rarely taking a moment to relax. My Mom? Same story. She works, works, works... takes care of everyone else, keeps the house tidy, bakes and cooks and almost never, ever stops to breathe, rejuvenate, and collect herself.

You would think that seeing the patterns in my Mother and Grandma would make it easier to change in myself. But for the women in my family, when there's work to be done, all else goes on hold. This past month, I had two major presentations for work, each one requiring hard work and long hours. But for me, I bring the work home, taxing my mind with worry and stress about doing the best job possible. After the first presentation, I crashed with a nasty cold. And after the second, which was yesterday, I find myself weak and exhausted. I know that I should rest today... but sadly, it seems that I need to be forced to before I actually make the effort.

Be grateful.
We're all wrapped up in our little worlds... our little "bubbles," as I like to refer to them. Sometimes it really is hard to see the forest from the trees. Just the fact that I'm sitting in a warm apartment, using a laptop, and enjoying a hot cup of coffee is reason enough to be thankful, especially when you change perspective and realize how many people in this world don't have the simple things we take for granted every single day.

But it is so much easier to say "I'll be grateful" than it is to actually feel appreciation throughout the day - especially in trying times. When work has you stressed out, it's rare that your first thought is "Well, I'm grateful to have this job and this opportunity. Stress means that I care, and I'm grateful that I care so much." Or, for example, this month - when my car heater had decided to break down during the coldest weeks of the year - it was a challenge to remember how lucky I am to even have my own car, one that works and gets me to and from work each day, when I'm freezing my toosh off and stuck in morning traffic.

Gratitude, like presence, and rest, are right there, on the tip of my thoughts every day, yet sometimes so out of reach — so difficult to grasp and bring into my life. Instead, at the end of the first month in 2009, I find myself more off-balance than usual - frustrated with my inability to relax, my seemingly uncontrollable physical reactions to stress, and the irritable (and ungrateful) attitude that this cycle creates.

I guess the lesson for now begins with recognizing the challenges that lay ahead and remembering to just take it one step at a time. Rerouting your brain and changing the way you think and respond to life's stresses cannot happen overnight. Instead, I suppose we all need to realize when the goals we set for ourselves will require a lifetime of attention, and that if we hold in our minds the idea of whom we want to become, stepping forth each day with that person on the horizon, one day—perhaps years or decades from now—we'll realize that person is who we are.

10,000 Days (and counting)

Last week I was doing research on a project for work when I stumbled upon a website (though not a design specimen by any means) that calculates your "Decimal Birthday." Since I spent much of my day clicking randomly around the web, it easily could have been a forgettable stop on my roundabout search. Curious, though, I entered my information and discovered that only twenty days ago - sometime in the middle of my hectic December - I turned 10,000 days old.

Ten Thousand. Something about that number hit me - that's a lot of days. Often, I still think of myself as young. And being 27 years old, I suppose in the grand scheme of things I absolutely am quite young. But the concept of 10,000 days had me stirring in my seat, and it's popped in my mind a few times since...

How have I spent all of those days?
Have I really lived and enjoyed each one?
Being on the brink of a new 10,000 days, and at the start of a brand new year, is there anything I could be doing better?

Without too much hesitation, I already knew my answer.

These past two months have disintegrated, and I've found myself tromping through each day blindly, like an Eskimo in a snowstorm, trudging ahead through gusts of whiteout nothingness, mind fixed on the warmth and comfort that lies ahead, somewhere in the distance. It's almost like I've gone on auto-pilot, pausing to make to-do lists that map out my days, and pushing myself until I'm glugging orange juice and multi-vitamins to keep from catching cold. This weekend - well, actually today - was the day I finally reached the luminous warmth and comfort ahead: a full day with nothing to do. And yet I find myself scheduling in "yoga" and "take a bubble bath" because I fear if I don't seize the free moment it will be gone again...

December is a complete blur in my memory... shopping trips, wrapping presents, making gifts, baking cookies, decorating, driving driving driving, snowstorms, scraping ice, parties, wine, eating eating eating... And here I am on the other side of it, in my moment of peace, and how do I feel? Bloated, tired, and still fending off the same cold I've been fighting for weeks. This is not the way to start a new year, and especially not how to step forward into a new 10,000 days!

So when one feels out of whack and off-kilter, it's always best to gain some perspective:

Last year I set some steep goals for myself when facing 2008. I learned pretty quickly to be realistic and set a pace I could live with, and peering back at the year I have to admit that I am pretty damn proud of myself:

2008 Resolutions Accomplished
√ Learn advanced CSS development
√ Yoga twice (or more) a week
√ Drink less
√ Work on new web projects

Other Accomplishments I didn't plan for...
√ Attend my first Web Conference and befriend fellow geeks
√ Find a new job that fits, with ample room to grow
√ Kickstart my freelance career
√ Redesign my personal website

So, in retrospect I shouldn't be so hard on myself. '08 was a fabulous year in that I set out with one positive goal in mind: be healthier in mind and body. And with that as the milestone to reach, I took care of myself and became more fit than ever while finally finding my 'place' and confidence as a member of the giant Web world. It's that attitude that I need to hurtle me into 2009 and another successful 10,000 days.

So how can I do better? How can I set a precedent to get the most out of each day to come? With one very important new goal: Maintain the level of balance I discovered last year but focus on finding time each day to rest, be present, and be grateful.

From the mindset of presence and gratitude, anything else can be accomplished and realized quite easily. The other goals I've set for myself in '09 are:

• get more fresh air (in other words, leave the computer behind every so often...)
• read 1 book each month
• cut out processed foods from my diet
• continue deepening my yoga practice (maybe attend a retreat?)
• plant a vegetable garden
• finish paying off our credit cards (we're almost there!)
• Learn javascript
  

And with that, I leap forward into a new year, 10,000 more wonderful days, and a sense of pure gratitude for all of the awesome moments I've been so lucky to experience. Cheers!