An Event Apart, Boston - Or, fate finds me

Last Sunday, Johnny took me down to the Albany train station in the early afternoon for my evening commute to downtown Boston. This trip somehow get wedged into my brain back in January, and wouldn't let go. I was browsing online, like I always do, reading about Web standards and code, when I discovered a conference called An Event Apart. Founded by two of the most innovative minds in the Web industry, and dedicated to supporting the Web standards movement, the conference seemed like the place I needed to be. For some reason, I felt cosmically drawn to it. I had to go. I needed to go. I would find a way to go.

Never before in my life has any path seemed paved so clearly. From the moment I decided I needed to go, I found support, encouragement, a means, and a motivation. I even found the money. As I shivered in the over-air-conditioned train car, my shoulders aching from carrying four bags and stomach churning from the over-salted bag of almonds for dinner, I wondered what on earth I was doing. I arrived peacefully and too easily at my modest hotel, and tossed and turned all night with cold sweats. I was alone, with little confidence in my ability to fit in with this elusive group.

But from the moment I walked into the Boston Marriott Copley on Monday morning, everything fell into place and all fears were quelled.

From the kind woman that let me register early when I was the first person at registration, giddy with excitement, to the gregarious Frenchman who wouldn't have me sit by myself at breakfast, I was immediately both welcomed and comfortable. It was a slow unraveling, a realization that this great machine of which I'd been one small cog, was churning and moving about me, and I was not just some outsider, oohing and ahhing through the window, but I was really a part of it - I was understood, and I could understand - and I felt both ecstatic and relieved, like an adopted daughter finally meeting her real Mom and she's perfectly amazing.

I don't mind being sappy here, as I've been living in a Web Design bubble for years now, picking up shreds of knowledge here and there, bumbling around in different directions, always uncertain of what I was doing or where I fit in. The Web Standards community is a smart, quiet, humble group with a passion for creating great work that is motivated by a drive to do things well, to push the industry, and in effect, to change the world. They are the guys in the corner, the ones that aren't so quick to take the credit or make a quick buck, but instead spend every waking moment validating their code, making sure their work is accessible by everyone, from any device.

Everyone that I met was talented and excited; from Kelley, who handed out her own hand-made business cards, to Trace, who asked tons of questions and was a great listener, to Peter from Montreal who didn't get too upset when I spilled most of my cabernet on his white shirt, to Yoann, who said, when I asked him how I could work in France, "Give me your resume," and Matt, who was my all-day conference buddy, and was such a nice guy he managed to get the wait staff at the Monday night party to bring all the vegetarian hors d'œuvres right to my side. All of these people were so real and kind, and I felt home with them, like someone had revealed to me that I was actually an alien, then returned me to my home planet where suddenly everything made sense.

The presentations and speakers, too, were phenomenal. I had been nervous about whether I'd be able to keep up, whether the topics would be over my head. But I was surprised at how much I've brought myself up to speed these past six months; I found every discussion relevant, useful, and inspiring, and I actually followed along with every speaker - even on day two, with five hours of sleep and a presentation about Javascript by the Dutch, heavily-accented, Peter-Paul Koch.

But the real icing on the cake for me came at the very end, when six lucky attendees would be randomly drawn to win a website critique by none other than Jeffrey Zeldman, co-founder of the conference and A List Apart, co-founder of the Web Standards Project, founder of Happy Cog, and pretty much accepted as The Man when it comes to Web Design. I had submitted my proudest design, Shop5, and sat there in nervous anticipation, wondering what on Earth I would say if I actually was called up on stage... And then, before I could wonder any longer, I actually was called, and actually was, quite nervously, walking up to the stage! It's all a bit of a blur, but the highlights were this: despite some discussion about clarifying the site's message and getting the client to trust me, his comments were mostly complimentary - the logo was "punchy" and unique, and the design illustrated an "expertise."

I have to admit, after the word "expertise," I zoned out a little bit. Having shown up to the conference alone, with no idea what I was getting myself into and zero confidence in my capabilities, I left walking on air... having found a community that I naturally belonged to, good people to share that discovery with, and a firm "you're on the right track, kid" from the industry's master. I couldn't have possibly asked for any more.

Every thing about my trip felt strangely perfect, like a well-written book. I've been practicing, as part of yoga, a presence in the moment and a trust in fate - in other words, learning how to go with the flow, let go, breathe, and enjoy life as it happens. I arrived in Boston because of an intuition that I needed to go, and I spent every moment savoring it, and trusting that I needed to be there. Now, back home, I feel like a new person; like suddenly, up ahead down the path I've been walking, I can see a clearing and a burst of bright light. I've found confidence that I've never felt before, certainty about my career that I've never experienced, and a renewed drive to create amazing work.

Thank you, life.

Growing, not dying

A friend told me recently, "A business that isn't growing is dying." This friend just happened to be a Business graduate, and those words have been knocking around in my brain not because I'm interested in business theory, but because I think that statement can also be applied to life, or more specifically, to my life.

If I'm not growing, I'm dying.

I'm not trying to be morbid or overly dramatic; actually, this realization is quite assuring and hopeful to me. In fact, it explains a lot: why I become restless and depressed when my life isn't building towards something, or why I feel hopeless and anxious when I am unclear on a direction to take.

But all of this realizing shines a light on another bigger accomplishment that I am proud enough to write about. I think I have finally squashed my biggest roadblock: myself.

I am my father's daughter, that is for sure. And my Dad, god love 'im, is his own worst enemy. He could talk himself out of taking a shit for fear he'd have to wipe. That may sound harsh, but Dad tends to decide he can't do something before he's even tried. And unfortunately, he carries with him a healthy heaping of guilt. I am just like Dad, and up until this year I've truly been my own obstacle, always down on myself, always full of excuses.

I don't know what happened, really. Maybe I'm getting older, and realized HEY! I'm nearing thirty. Or maybe my husband's constant encouragement finally seeped into my brain. I'm honestly not sure what it was, but somehow I think it's connected to the idea of growing vs. dying.

To look honestly at your own life, realize that you want more, and understand that you are the only person with the power to change that reality is an extraordinary, if simple, revelation. And to actually persist in doing so delivers unending rewards.

Last January, I decided that I was going to make some serious changes in my personal life. It had nothing to do with anyone, but with my relationship with myself. I realized I needed to stop fighting myself, stop blocking myself from success. I needed to be my own friend, to realize my own potential, and to find satisfaction in improving my mental and physical being. Somehow, understanding that was the key to execution; I've been practicing patience, diligence, and presence, and I have poured my heart into yoga, food, and my work, which has become the holy trinity upon which I find meaning. In short, a deep connection to my mind, spirit, and body has been nourished, and I'm feeling stronger as a whole than ever before.

I believe that we all have our own paths that lead us to that feeling. And I also believe those paths will veer, and split, and not always remain unobstructed or easily identifiable. We may all have our own paths to pursue, but the desire to continue striding down each of our own, putting one foot in front of the other, is a universal calling. Growing, evolving, and improving our human condition is the drive of the soul, I believe, and once we stop moving - stop trudging ahead - we die. Either figuratively or literally.

Part of that growth, for me, is the understanding that this is it - this is my life. I can sit back and complain and talk myself out of everything I've ever wanted, or I can suck it up and get to work. So that's what I've been doing. And let me tell you, I haven't felt this clear ever before. And the funny thing is, I have no idea where I'm headed. I just know - without any hesitation - that I'm walking in the right direction.