SAD, Snow, and Suffocation

It's happening again. No matter how well I may be able to predict my own behavior, knowing it is going to happen doesn't make it any easier to avoid.

March is approaching and the snow is ever falling. It's been constant these past few days, and the sun is hidden behind bleak skies of gray. Last week, I must admit, the sun was shining unusually often, but being horribly ill with the flu, I missed every day of it, stuck inside like a leper. Not that I would have gone out and "played" or anything, but it would have done me some good to catch some rays of vitamin D just meandering to and from my car and work.

I'm feeling all of the symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Fatigue. Lethargy. Laziness. And just an all-around shitty mood. Lately, I don't want to get out of bed in the morning and need several cups of coffee to keep me going. I feel bored and tired most of the day, and things I usually enjoy doing - like cooking dinner or yoga - become annoying tasks preventing me from doing the only thing I currently enjoy: sitting on my butt, eating chocolate and drinking wine. Real healthy, huh?

I hate to clog my blog with whining, but the reality is that my slacking off in blog-writing is directly related to my affliction: I just don't feel like there's anything worth writing about.

I daydream daily about escape... living somewhere far away where winter is brief and sunshine reigns.

The outdoors has never been an obsession for me. I'm not really into sports, I hate bugs, and I tend to avoid activities that involve getting dirty or super sweaty. But I'm not one for total immersion of anything... my life requires continual balance. For me, it's all about atmosphere. I'm a visual person, and my entire mood can be set by a beautiful sunset, a brisk walk down a sun-dappled path, or a scenic drive. Even sunshine streaming in windows gives my whole being a glow. In the summertime, I still work on websites and watch movies and practice yoga... all indoor activities. But it's completely different when the windows are open, the sun shines in til 9pm, and you can walk around the house barefoot and half-naked without freezing your ass off!

It's frustrating that I've been enduring this yearly meltdown my entire life, and even more frustrating that change feels impossible. We are stuck. Just as stuck as I am in the house right now, the snow still piling high out the window, we are financially strapped, and moving anywhere is out of the question. Our student loans are packed around us, suffocating every sliver of freedom, just like the cold white stuff outside.

For now, venting about it here is lifting my spirits ever-so-slightly. And tonight, I'll self-medicate by finishing the bottle of shiraz on the counter and gnawing on some more of my Valentine's chocolate. While venting about it is fine and dandy, doing something about it is even better. And I'm a girl of action. I vow to myself that someday I'll actually go an entire year without pissing and moaning about how miserable the weather is... because I'll be somewhere where I won't have anything to piss and moan about, and this - this venting, this feeling I have in my gut right now - will live only in memories.