Not Settling, Not Dwelling

Winter is a good time for contemplation. Being cozied up in a warm apartment, secluded from the crisp, cold world, it's easy to become a bit preoccupied with your life and the path down which you're headed. John and I have always been consciously self-aware, but lately, being kept indoors by brutal January weather and having an anxious clarity that comes from easing off the evening wine consumption - well, we've just been thinking and chatting quite a bit more than usual.

Earlier this week, in his blog, John wrote about how we are "thinking about the next thing." Like clockwork, time has proven that usually around six months after we've moved to a new place we begin to think about the next step. And coming upon our sixth month in Glens Falls, we're assessing the situation and curious about where this path is leading us.

Coincidentally, today we are heading to a House Warming party for a couple that we've become great friends with during our short time upstate. We were fortunate to attend their wedding this past summer and we were psyched when they bought a house just across town. It's gorgeous - with hard wood floors, fresh, modern paint, a back patio and lawn and open, spacious rooms.

My heart swells with happiness for them; they are hard-working, wonderful people and they have found a home together that completes them. And lately, I've been hanging out with a lot of people like them; People who have beautiful homes and adorable children and families full of love and energy.

And part of me is a little jealous. Not jealous of the houses or the the kids; I know that if I really wanted that, I could have it, too. But envious of the satisfaction that comes along with that life - the feeling of fulfillment and success that I see in their faces.

My adult life thus far has been a continual cycle of learning, growing, experiencing and above all - wondering what will bring me - and us - that contentment. Our conversations revolve around a truth that, at times, makes us feel alien in this place - be it Glens Falls, New York, America, or just this world in general. That truth is that we are seeking some sort of life adventure of which there is no clear path - but settling is really not in the cards. At least not yet.

I can imagine someday, years from now, perhaps finding a place that I can call home and feel fulfillment at just being there. But as of now, I have yet to live in a place that I want to stay for more than a few years. I have no interest in acquiring any more things, but instead enjoy the lightness of knowing my life can be boxed up and relocated in a matter of days. No strings attached, no complications.

I also can imagine someday choosing to have a family. Although right now it is incomprehensible, I am not foolish enough to believe that time won't change me.

I am swirling around my point, which is that I am learning to come to terms with the fact that I - that we - are different. And that's OK. I've written in the past about a fear of settling, a concern for being an endless drifter that approaches middle age with no real roots and a head-full of regrets. But this winter, I'm moving on. I'm focusing on accepting who I am and not dwelling on who I am not.

My biggest weakness - clearly inherited from my father - is my proneness to worry. I stress. I wonder. I dwell. But by realizing this trait about myself I'm accepting that I'll be doomed to a life of regret and uncertainty if I don't embrace who I am and stop feeling bad about it!

I'm not really sure where life is taking me - but I have to admit, so far it's been a damn good ride. I follow my gut. I do what I love. I try my best to be a good person, be honest, work hard, and leave behind me a trail blazing with great memories, admirable people, and work I can be proud of. I am not settling just yet because I know, intuitively, that it's not the time nor place. And I'm not dwelling on it any longer. When the time comes to take the next leap - be it in a year, be it in three - I'll know it, and will do it gracefully, carefully, with much thought and consideration. Regardless, I am accepting that we are seekers, accepting that everyone has a role in this mysterious world, and embracing the beautiful complexity of discovering where each of us fits.

And for the first time ever, I'm feeling excited about it.