Twenty-six years old, living almost 300 miles from my parents, married, with a solid career and completely content existence... yet I still buckle, like a child eager to please, when it comes to my Mother.
It really is incredible the mark that parents leave on their kids. I mean, obviously... some people spend years in therapy trying to cope with their childhood. What happens to us up until age twenty is part of us forever, whether we like it or not.
I had a great childhood. I really, honestly did. My parents may have struggled a lot themselves with finances and careers, but they were always supportive and loving and I credit them completely for my driven, hard-working personality. But since I've gone out on my own I've changed a lot. All in good ways... but sometimes my parents seem curious about who I've become. Four years of college, extensive travel and a more open-minded approach to religion have defined my adult self while, at the same time, putting up some interesting road blocks to navigate around when it comes to my adult relationship with Mom and Dad.
I always think that I am confident with myself... with who I've become and continue to be. That is, until I'm around the Parents. I, without even realizing it, shrivel into an eager-to-please, afraid-to-offend, can't-swear-or-talk-about-religion-or-politics... child. As usual, John is the first to notice my transformation.
My Mom is coming to visit tonight and will be here until Monday afternoon. It's her first visit to Glens Falls and her first trip to see us since the summer of 2006. So, of course, I spent all day today cleaning the house... scrubbing the grease off the stove top, vacuuming the cat hair from the corners of the bathroom, and carefully remaking the bed with the quilt Mom made splayed across.
But, as with every visit with the parents, I am tense. I must have snacks in the house and wine in the cupboard. Must have fresh towels, good coffee, and a fun weekend planned. Must be the perfect daughter so she'll want to come visit again...
Sigh. I am just a little girl again, wanting more than anything my Mommy's approval. Because, for some strange reason, my own satisfaction is never quite enough.
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It's strange how family can bring out all those deeply buried feelings and emotions we have fought so hard to overcome. For some reason we revert back to our 9 year old selves, and despite how cool calm and collected we can be in our independent adult lives, you throw family in there and WHAM! the need to please comes rushing back. Don't worry, it happens to us all. But with the stress, there is also a kind of comfort in knowing that your family knows you on a basic level- they were there while you became the person you are. Even though you may have changed in a lot of ways, there are things in your character that your mom was probably chuckling at while you were still learning to walk. And she loves you for it :)
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